


let me pretend (we’re autumn leaves)

by tysunkete (aozu)



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hand Jobs, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 02:29:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12925395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aozu/pseuds/tysunkete
Summary: AU.Sexuality is…complicated. The musings of pansexual!Kanda who pines for asexual!Lavi.





	let me pretend (we’re autumn leaves)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted: 16/09/2014.

_1._

The day that Daisya comes out as bisexual over dinner, Tiedoll bursts into tears. Kanda grimaces and gives a side eye to Marie who absently swipes the tissue box from his side and holds it out for their foster father. Daisya, for once in his life, fidgets with an air of hesitance.

“Sooo…yeah,” the amateur soccer player flickers his gaze towards his older and younger foster brothers, something that kind of says _dear god what is happening_. “You’re not gonna throw me out or anything, are ya?”

Tiedoll sniffles loudly into his wet tissue, blindly taking more tissues out of the offered box. “T-throw out?” he repeats, voice wobbly from emotion. “Whatever for?”

Daisya blinks, pausing in his nervous twiddle of thumbs under the dinner table. “I,” he pauses. “Then why are ya crying for, old man?”

“I’m just,” Tiedoll manages in another choke and wave of tears. “M-my boy has…has _found_ himself, I’m just so happy, I—“

“Can I be excused?” Kanda grinds out at this moment, because he knows _exactly_ where this is going—the same thing that he had suffered when Marie announced that he had a girlfriend.

Dear god he is not going to sit through two hours slobbery eye fluid and snot, he’d rather starve for the night. Daisya shoots a look over to him that’s a little panicked; not something he’s used to seeing on his stupid elder bro who’s always all confidence and bullshit. Kanda doesn’t really get what the big deal is and sends back narrowed eyes before he escapes from the dinner table with his fingers plugged into his ears.

It is apparently a big deal to Daisya who finds him later in his room lying down on the bed while he’s chewing on some gum with headphones over his head. Daisya comes in without knocking—the asshole—and saunters around the place eyeing the things in his room (as if the other hasn’t seen it a million of times already), and generally makes his stupid presence known. Kanda can’t stand it, and Daisya knows it.

“Get out already,” he sighs, turning around to his side with closed eyes, but he does pull down the headphones.

Daisya comes to sit on the bed and Kanda nearly freaks—until he sees that his older brother is disturbingly quiet with no shit eating grin in place—then he _does_ freak out.

“What the hell is up with you?” he asks slowly, not exactly knowing how to proceed.

The elder gives Kanda one of the most serious stares ever, eyes shifty. “You’re not…creeped out?”

Kanda furrows his eyebrows. “About?”

“Me?” Daisya cocks his head. “About how I’m…bi.”

“What does that even mean?” Kanda grumbles. “Whatever. I don’t care. Just go away.”

Daisya stares back gaping for a couple of long seconds before he breaks into a grin and laughs. “…You fucking asshole. You…—for a moment there I thought—…ahh, nevermind,” he shakes his head and laughs again.

Without another word he gets up from the bed and shuffles out with a backhand wave, steps jaunty again. Kanda just frowns for a moment, and then he realises his dumb brother didn’t bother to close his damn door. Asshole.

He tells this particular weird happening to a questionable listening ear in class the next day. Not so much of listening ear than a leech who hangs off him so often that it’s odd to everyone else if they’re not together. The said leech has a name that goes by ‘Lavi’, but Kanda prefers to call him ‘idiot’ or ‘rabbit’ or ‘stupid rabbit’ or ‘idiot rabbit’ or some variation of the two.

“It means that your bro is down with fucking both girls and guys,” Lavi explains, whistling. “I never saw that coming.”

“Who the fuck cares?” Kanda scoffs, slamming his locker door. “The old man was crying like a fucking baby—like it’s _life changing_ and shit.”

“Um, it kind of _is_ ,” Lavi replies thoughtfully, cocking an eyebrow. “ _I_ spent a quite bit of time figuring _me_ out,” he says, and Kanda doesn’t admit that he’s actually suspicious that Lavi had his “figuring out” thing going on and never told him. “What about you, Yuu? Have you ever given any thought to your own sexuality? Like, who would you bone?”

Kanda doesn’t even need to think. “No one.”

Lavi laughs, as if expecting the answer. “Typical.”

“I’d bet you’d fuck everyone,” he sneers, but the redhead laughs again, grin wider than ever.

“Zzt zzzzt!” Lavi sings, clearly elated that he’s got a secret to tell. “You’re actually wrong. I’m asexual.” At Kanda’s confused frown, he elaborates. “I don’t want to fuck at all.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m serious.”

“Bullshit,” Kanda says again.

“ _I’m serious_ ,” Lavi whines. “No joke, Yuu, not this time,” he says, and the redhead looks as serious as _Daisya_ was, which totally creeps Kanda out. “I just…I just don’t feel the urge to do anyone, you know? I thought it was weird until I found out that it was totally normal for some people. I mean, _you_ can understand that right? You said you didn’t want to fuck anyone either.”

But that’s because _everyone_ he’s met are grade A idiots and dammed if Kanda brought himself down to the level of retards. Yeah sure he’s had moments where he’s seen attractive people and had a _thought_ —but that’s as far as it goes; he has no inclination to offer anyone anything. But still, it’s not the same as _not_ _wanting_ to fuck anyone.

“You hit on everything,” Kanda states, and he says ‘every _thing_ ’ and not ‘every _one_ ’.

“So? Can’t I have a bit of fun?” Lavi pouts. “Hot people are hot. I can look at the menu but I just don’t want to order, you get me? Maybe in your case, you don’t even want to look at the menu.”

“I—…” he frowns, and then gets annoyed that he’s actually thinking about this. “Whatever.”

Lavi eyes him a moment more before smiling, misinterpreting his huff as agreement. “Exactly.”

* * *

_2._

College is where Daisya finds out that he’s bisexual. Apparently there was some incident regarding a Portuguese guy and yeah Kanda really doesn’t want to know. The point is that when he enters college about half a year later, things _change_.

There is a relatively decent university where they are so it’s not like it’s a new culture or anything. He recognises most people from high school, so it’s not like he meets new people. But he’s no longer living at home—he had taken the option to room in halls (though Daisya hadn’t), because the less he sees Tiedoll, the less his blood pressure will rise. Moreover Lavi had been more than game with rooming with him, so there was that.

He goes to classes as usual, does his homework as usual, hangs out reluctantly with Lavi as usual, but then there’s one day he sees Lavi lounging on his bed with just his boxers on and he walks into his desk chair.

The redhead is listening to some music with thick headphones over his ears and a book lifted over his eye, legs splayed out comfortably. It’s not the first time that he’s seen Lavi less than decent—they’ve had swimming lessons for physical education once, they’ve gone to the beach and stuff, but there’s just something about the image of the redhead with his particularly naked toned body on the bed that makes Kanda do a double take.

Lavi looks over when he hears the crash of the chair and slips down his headphones. He raises an eyebrow at the string of curses running from Kanda’s mouth at the rapidly forming bruise on the other’s shin and smirks.

“Like what you see, Yuu?” he grins, waggling his eyebrows.

The redhead even slides his hand suggestively down his very naked abdomen, and Kanda’s face flushes with half annoyance and half embarrassment. But it’s not the first time that Lavi has flirted with him—the fucking asshole flirts with everyone and _especially him_ and he’s learnt to take it in stride as Lavi’s classic bullshit.

“Yeah, you make me feel _so_ better about myself,” he retorts, steadfastly forcing his attention back to his bruise to keep his mind from wandering.

Lavi pouts and goes back to his reading. Kanda catches himself trying not to glance over at least six times in the next half an hour, and it annoys him to hell.

* * *

 

_3._

Lenalee Lee is perhaps the only person Kanda is willing to call a ‘friend’—or maybe they’re more like siblings, having grown up together. When they were young Lenalee used to come to him (still does, actually) with all her problems—most of them about _boys_ and _Komui_ and Kanda basically lets her rant out her frustrations as he pretends to listen, because eventually she’d sober and resign herself to the fate of her overprotective brother. On other days Lenalee is Kanda’s confidant, but that’s only because she can wheedle anything out him. It’s a lost cause to hide anything from her, really.

“Maybe you’re just late to the puberty change,” she says, and Kanda flatly stares at her.

“My voice broke, like, years ago.”

“Your hormones are still at work after that,” she argues. “It’s totally plausible that you didn’t find Lavi attractive before but do so now because you’re more… _attuned_ to your sexual urges.”

“I’m _not_ attracted to the idiot,” Kanda states immediately.

“That’s just an example,” she replies patiently. “Okay, would you sleep with me?”

“ _No_ ,” he says it so fast that she looks offended.

“Why not?” she demands.

“Are you fucking crazy? Your brother will cut off my balls,” he huffs, crossing his arms. “Besides, it’s totally weird. Ew. No.”

“The ‘ew’ was totally uncalled for,” Lenalee glares. “Are you saying I’m not attractive enough?”

Kanda clucks his tongue. “That’s not the issue. I said it was weird.”

“And I’m asking if I’m pretty enough for you,” she blinks innocently.

“You’re…” Kanda grimaces, clearly unable to give a compliment. “…okay. I guess.”

Lenalee looks mildly put off, but she has known Kanda long enough.  She sighs. “What about that girl there?” she points subtly to the table diagonally from them in the café. “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Kanda glances over and shrugs.

“Pretty enough for you to sleep with her?”

Kanda shrugs again.

“What if there was a situation where she has her mouth on your penis, would you sleep with her then?”

Kanda almost slips off his seat, but he grips the table in time. “W-what the fuck, Lenalee, we’re in a goddamn café!”

“I’m just saying,” Lenalee huffs. “I’m trying to _help_ you here. Think about it seriously, would you?”

The thing is, he can’t help _but_ think about it. He’s in his late teens edging on to young adult maturity—of course his dick would think about it.

“Y-yeah,” he grinds out, clearly uncomfortable and unhappy.

Lenalee claps her hands in delight. “Great. Now, the guy across her. Would you sleep with him?”

“What.”

“Kanda,” she pouts. “Just look at him.”

Kanda sighs irritably and glances over again—the guy chatting animatedly to the girl that was pointed out earlier looks relatively attractive he supposes; sandy messy hair, nice jawline, lanky physique.

“Same situation,” Lenalee continues. “If he had his mouth on your penis—“

“Fuck—stop saying that!” Kanda grinds out.

Lenalee presses on. “If he had his mouth on your—“

“Yeah, _yeah,_ I guess so, now will you fucking stop saying it!” Kanda hisses, forehead pressed in his hand.

When he looks up after a minute of trying not to let blood rush down south, Lenalee is looking at him contemplatively.

“What if he was actually a girl before but now he’s a boy, would you still sleep with him?”

Kanda squints. “What?”

“What if he had a sex change,” Lenalee states patiently, tapping on the table lightly. “Would you care?”

 _About what_ , Kanda wants to ask, but he’s already feeling light headed from Lenalee’s questions. “Hell if I know.”

“So you wouldn’t care.”

“Should I?” Kanda grinds out.

“It’s up to you,” Lenalee says, which doesn’t help him one bit in this confusing tide. “But I’ve think I’ve got an idea of what you are,” she claps her hands again excitedly, eyes sparkling. “You’re _pansexual_.”

“Pan?” Kanda repeats, frowning. “What the hell does that mean? A cooking pan?”

“Pan as in ‘all’ or ‘every’,” Lenalee explains. “It’s Greek. It means that you’re sexually attracted to any sex or gender identity.”

“But I don’t want to fuck anyone,” Kanda interjects. “Everyone is a fucking idiot—“

“I’m not saying that you _have_ to,” she sighs, rolling her eyes. “It just means you’re _attracted_ to them. If they weren’t…’Idiots’,” she even uses her fingers for air quotes. “…in your book, you would, wouldn’t you?”

At this, Kanda keeps silent. Yeah, he supposes Lenalee’s got a point, but it doesn’t match up to how _he’s_ the one who _would_ fuck anyone while _Lavi_ is the one who _wouldn’t_ fuck anyone. The fucking idiot touches people all the time and he even goes on “dates” (alternatively, nights in which he ditches Kanda alone saying he has a date but Kanda isn’t actually sure what the redhead really does).

“Is this…sex thing really such a big deal?”

“For some,” Lenalee answers. “But it’s always good to know who you are, right?”

That, Kanda supposes again, is another point.

* * *

_4._

Kanda doesn’t really think too much about it now if he sees someone attractive on campus and his hormones decides that it’s time to conquer his nether regions. He guesses that the whole ‘knowing yourself’ thing helps and if Lavi does walk into their room bare bodied after a shower, he can ignore the flip flop his stomach does, chalking it up to sexual frustration. After all, a year passes and he hasn’t slipped in his standards of the category of an idiot—so he’s still a virgin, but he doesn’t particularly care. He can take care of himself and it’s just easier with no hassle. But he’s ashamed to admit that maybe he’s thought about Lavi once or twice or like, eight times when he was jacking off but that’s purely not for any emotional attachment.

Lavi is attractive, yeah, and so are other people in college. It’s normal. Kanda isn’t too confused by the whole sexuality thing anymore, but time to time _something_ pops up and his brain struggles to wrap around it again.

When he moves up to second year more things _change_ ; Kanda moves out of halls only to apply for another one—he had discovered that he really likes living away from home; he might miss Marie, but he doesn’t miss Tiedoll’s fussing or Daisya’s stupid pranks one bit (and home is like, an hour drive away anyway). Lavi, of course, intercepts his plan to get an en suite and brings in some bullshit reasons about staying together because it’s cheaper and they can get a kitchen and bathroom to themselves instead of sharing it with five other strangers and eventually Kanda finds himself in a two-room flat near campus. Other than Lavi’s excuses (that turned up to be valid), Kanda does actually like that he doesn’t have to hear drunk freshman singing in the hallways at 4 a.m. anymore, so he settles with cohabitating with the redhead.

And the thing is, it’s _easy_ to live with Lavi. Lavi is messy but he will clean up if he sees that Kanda is seriously pissed off. Lavi hogs the hot water at night but that’s okay because Kanda takes his long showers in the morning. Lavi seeks him out to hang out but will leave him alone once every week to do his own thing. Lavi hovers around the bonsais that he keeps at the window still all the time but never touches them because he knows Kanda is overly protective of them. Lavi, however, has a horrible habit of walking out of the shower naked because their rooms are so close to the toilet now and their flat is private.

In times like these, Kanda has thrown his green tea at the redhead in annoyance, and then takes his cold shower after.

Other changes include Lenalee entering first year, and an introduction to a new person into their group. The first time Kanda meets him, he thinks Lenalee can definitely do better. The kid has bleached beyond belief hair and the weirdest scar on his face, also there’s the fact that he wears gloves in fucking summer (it’s actually autumn, but it’s still hot, so there). And then there’s that _smile_.

“Hi, I’ve heard a lot about you,” the brat smiles, and it freaks Kanda out. “Nice to finally meet you.”

“I haven’t,” he snaps back, and Lenalee whacks him on the shoulder.

“Kanda,” she warns, glaring at him to play nice. “This is Allen, he was in my orientation group. He’s your course junior. You guys have a lot of things in common.”

“You’re in graphic design too?” Allen asks, surprised, grey eyes evidently checking (his clothes) him out.

Kanda glances down at his black shirt, black jeans, black shoes and black soul combo. He scowls. “Got a problem with that?”

“No,” Allen frowns, clearly slightly intimidated but his ferocity, but that’s ruined when Lenalee pinches his cheek.

“Oww—fuck, that hurts!”

“It’s meant to,” Lenalee puts in.

“Fuck you, beansprout,” Kanda says, because clearly, this is all the kid’s fault.

“What the—“ Allen freezes, thrown by the sudden insult, but he is quick to recover. “My name is Allen _, Madame_!”

They squabble for the rest of next four hours and Lenalee orders two cakes and three teas in that time while reading a magazine, and then she leaves bill with the two still arguing.

It’s a start of a beautiful friendship.

* * *

_5._

The real reason why Lenalee introduces Allen to Kanda is actually to expand his knowledge about the sexuality thing, as Kanda finds out later. _Much_ later, when they’re locked in Kanda’s room furiously insulting each other at 6 a.m. in the morning trying to beat each other at Mario Kart. It’s Lavi who locks them in even, and Kanda wonders how far he has slipped to end up in such a situation.

It’s no secret that Allen has moved up from ‘this short guy Lenalee knows’ to ‘this short guy I know’ to ‘fucking beansprout’ title by the middle of second year. Sure Allen hangs around Lenalee the most and he also hangs out with Lavi, but hanging out with Kanda is a special case because Kanda doesn’t hang out with anybody. Except Lavi. And Lenalee. Fuck you, he has a small social circle, so what? Thus the addition of the company of another into his personal time makes Lavi think that he and Allen have _something going on._

“What the hell,” Kanda mutters when he tries to open his door one night when Allen is over, only to find it jammed. “Rabbit!” He yells, and he growls at the obvious snicker from across the door. “What the fuck?”

“I’m giving you an opportunity!” The idiot calls back. “You’ll thank me later!”

Then, some _things_ are slipped under his door.

“Hey, do you prefer strawberry or apple? Because I didn’t know which flavour you’d prefer! You have lube, right?”

“Fucking hell—" Kanda starts, shoving the plastic packets back under the door.

“What’s going on?”

It’s at this moment Allen decides to come over from his position from Kanda’s desk—he was transferring an art program that he needs for his next project that Kanda has (he’s only getting it because of a fair amount of blackmail and begging and bribery)—and sees the condoms scattered on the floor.

He squints disbelievingly at first, and then shouts, scandalised. “Lavi, what—what are you trying to do?!”

“If I leave it up to you two to go at your own pace, Yuu will die from blue balls!” the redhead replies, sounding convincingly convicted. “Take the night off! I will bunk somewhere else for the night!”

“Lavi, I think you have the grossest idea—“

“You fucking idiot! Get back right here and unlocking the fucking door, you fucking _loser_!” Kanda yells over Allen, clearly at the end of his patience.

Kanda bangs his fist against his door for good measure, but all that he receives in turn is the sound of high pitched fake innocent whistling and the front door slammed shut. Annoyed, Kanda rips one of the condom packets in half, and that makes Allen step back.

“What?” he grinds out viciously at the look the younger gives him.

“I’m not interested,” Allen says, and Kanda scowls harder.

“Neither am I, dipshit.”

“Oh, good,” Allen sighs in relief, bringing himself to sit on the floor. “Because even if you are—it really pains me to say this—physically attractive,” he honestly looks like he needs to puke, “I’m not at that…level to do anything with you. I’m sure you’re the same, no?”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“I’m demi,” he shrugs vaguely. “Aren’t you?”

 “What the hell is that?”

“Demisexual.”

 _This_ is one of those times that Kanda wants to smack his head against the wall.

“Never heard about it,” he says honestly, and then curses Lenalee for her incomplete explanations, but really, it’s his own fault that he wasn’t really interested in anything but figuring out what was happening to him back then.

“It’s a term to describe people who are only sexually attracted to people with whom they have a close relationship with,” Allen explains.

“Huh,” Kanda muses. “So like, you can’t get it up unless it’s a friend?”

Allen grimaces. “That’s a really crude way of putting it, and it’s not exactly accurate. It’s more like I just…don’t feel the attraction unless I have a strong emotional connection to that person. I thought you might be demi, since…you know, with Lavi…” he trails off, and Kanda just stares.

“…What are you talking about?”

“You don’t show any interest in anyone, except Lavi,” Allen says, and Kanda nearly bites his tongue choking.

“W-what? Since fucking when?” he demands heatedly, face scrunched into an incredulous scowl.

“Since I _met_ you?” Allen raises his eyebrow. “You’re rude to everyone and you scare everyone off, so I don’t see you and…anyone else happening. There are only two people in your life you would voluntarily be with and one of them has a _brother_ ,” he ticks them off his fingers. “And sometimes you look at Lavi like you want him,” he finishes off simply.

“I don’t,” Kanda blinks.

“You do. Especially that one time he came out of the shower and you walked into your doorframe; I was kind of there.”

 _Why_ was Allen there, Kanda can’t be arsed to remember. “That was a fucking accident!”

“Uh-huh.”

“I don’t _like_ the idiot,” Kanda grinds out, irritated. “He’s just hot—I-I mean,” he nearly chokes on his own tongue when he realises what he had blurted out, but manages to get his words together otherwise. “I’m pansexual, or something,” he mutters grumpily.

At this, Allen pauses. “Really?”

He shrugs. “Ask Lenalee.”

Allen sits in thoughtful silence for a bit longer. “Well. That’s shocking,” he says eventually. “I was a hundred percent convinced you were a discriminatory bigot, considering you only use insults to communicate.”

“Don’t put yourself above the status quo, brat,” Kanda huffs. “I hate everyone. It’s equality and shit.”

“Right,” the younger boy shakes his head, smiling. “So,” he begins with a renewed cheer, clapping his hands together. “It seems like I’m stuck here for the night, unless you want to break down your door—“

“If you pay the fucking damages, I’m up for it,” Kanda puts in immediately, but is waved away.

“—do you have anything interesting in your room that we can do for a couple of hours?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. What games do you have on your PS?”

Most of the games that Kanda owns are aggravating role playing games, to which Allen is not impressed with as he digs into Kanda’s stack. Final fantasy thirteen, eight, ten, twelve, nine—why does Kanda not put them in order, Allen can’t understand it for his life.

“Don’t you have any multiplayer games other than Mario Kart?” Allen sighs. “Not that I have anything against the game, but it’s too easy.”

Kanda cocks an eyebrow. Easy? “As if you can beat me in Mario Kart, dweeb.”

Allen glances over right back, and smiles the fucking _smile_. “Is that a bet?”

* * *

_6._

The second year passes much quicker than his freshman year, and after a couple of random jobs in summer, Kanda finds himself back in the same apartment with Lavi in his third year. It’s just easier to stick to the same place since they have all their stuff in it and it’s just one more year of college that he has to suffer. It’s also the last year that he’ll be with Lavi—he doesn’t really know where the redhead is planning to go but Lavi is into journalism and that kind of shit which kind of means ‘travelling’ and ‘seeing the world’ and basically not staying in their area. Kanda himself doesn’t have concrete plans either, but he doesn’t think he’ll leave. It’s still too early to say for sure though, and Kanda squashes these irritating thoughts that keep popping up for no good reason.

Allen comes over in the second month of the first term to leech their internet because someone in halls is sucking the connection with downloads or something. Kanda tries to kick him out of the apartment but Allen brings over three tempura bento sets from the Japanese restaurant in town and those deceptive innocent begging eyes.

“Oh ho, hi Allen!” Lavi greets, delighted when he comes back to see both of them eating in the kitchen. “I hope I’m not intruding on date night! Ooh, is that mine?” he eyes the remaining tempura bento with great interest.

“Nope, that’s mine,” Allen answers in between in chews. “Kanda said you were out on a date, so I didn’t get anything for you. And as I’ve said a billion of times, Lavi,” he lets out a tired sigh. “I have absolutely _negative_ interest in dating the rude prick across me.”

Kanda kicks him under the table for the comment. “Shut up, dumbass, _I’d_ kill myself first.”

“See? I’m not into necrophilia either,” Allen shrugs. “Why are you back so early anyway?”

“Eh, yeah,” Lavi slumps in one of the empty chairs at the table. “I got stood up.”

Allen winces, but Kanda isn’t so sympathetic, as usual.

“By a fucking ghost?”

“Hey, I _had_ a date, okay,” Lavi pouts. “Yuu never believes that I meet people other than him,” he mock whispers to Allen like it’s some kind of great secret. “Perhaps it’s self-denial in case his sensitive heart can’t take that he’s not the only one in my life?”

“Oh fuck you.”

“Not interested,” Lavi winks, and _this_ is precisely why Kanda doesn’t believe the redhead—Lavi is _asexual_ , so why the hell does he “date” people?

“I believe there is someone out there for you, Lavi,” Allen smiles kindly.

“Aww, you’re too sweet, lil strawberry shortcake,” Lavi cooes, scooting closer to the younger boy. He hugs the other by the neck and ruffles his hair, despite the annoyed protests. “You’d make the best boyfriend ever,” he muses thoughtfully, and then slides his gaze over. “Hey, you wanna date me?” he grins, eye bright.

Allen tries to lean away but Lavi is insistent when he’s stuck on an idea. “Never.”

“Come on, Al,” the redhead pouts, leaning further into his personal space. “You’re cute, I’m hot—it could totally work out!”

“That’s the most baseless conclusion I’ve ever heard!” Allen scoffs, still trying to paw Lavi off. “Besides, you know I’m demi—“

“You’ve known me for more than a year, it’s about plausible at this time, right?”

“It’s not about the length of time I know someone, it’s about—“

“Yeah, yeah, but you never know until you find out! I’m gonna kiss you, Al,” Lavi states seriously with a smirk, and then leans forward.

But before any lip touching can occur, Allen and Lavi blink rapidly in shock when iced cold green tea is splashed at their faces. Kanda stands with his grip so tight around his empty glass that his knuckles are white from the tension, hand visibly shaking. A few seconds of silence descends in the kitchen until Lavi tries to speak, but his mouth is clamped shut by Allen’s hand which had shot up to prevent the attempted kiss from happening. Allen retracts his hand hastily.

“Yuu, are you okay?” Lavi asks, worried as he peers towards the other.

It seems like Kanda snaps back to attention at this moment, and he slams the glass to the table so hard that Allen thinks a crack forms at the bottom of the cup.

“Fine,” Kanda grinds out, but he turns to stalk out of the kitchen.

“Yuu, I was just joking—“

“I’m not hungry, you can have it,” is all they hear before the room to Kanda’s room slams shut.

Allen breathes out slowly, fingering his wet hair and white shirt that is sure to have a green tinge to it by tonight. “I sincerely hope you weren’t going to kiss me,” he says.

“Why, would I be your first kiss?” Lavi smiles slyly, and tries not to yowl when Allen whacks him on the shoulder. “Yeah, I _wasn’t_ going to,” he rolls his eye. “Yuu gets annoyed when I hit on him but he gets _more_ annoyed when I hit on _you_ , so I thought it’d be funny.”

“To get him annoyed?” Allen raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah— _yeah_ ,” Lavi pouts. “I guess kissing you is a big no no, huh?”

“Whatever you’re thinking now, you’re totally off track,” Allen states immediately.

“What?”

“We’re _not_ together, Lavi,” the younger presses his lips together flatly. “We won’t be. Never will be. And we _don’t want_ to be.”

“Why not? You guys get along so well! In the last five years you’re the only other friend Yuu has made! Yuu makes _exceptions_ for you—“

“Platonically and hazardous to my life, yes, I get that,” Allen sighs. “But I’m demi and Kanda already likes someone, so—“

“Woah, woah— _what the fuck_?” Lavi splutters, nearly falling out of his chair. “Yuu _likes_ someone? Like, legit like _like_? Who? Is it someone I know? It has to be someone I know, right? I mean, I know everyone that Yuu does! Who is it?”

“Calm down—“

“How do you expect me to calm down when this is as big as revelations—it’s the fucking end of the world, Al, what the hell? Yuu likes someone and he didn’t tell _me_?”

Allen refrains from stating that Lavi would probably be the _last_ person that Kanda would admit to that he likes someone. Especially when Allen is _pretty sure_ Lavi is the liked person in question.

“Well, the jerk didn’t say anything, but—“

“Pssh, then you have no proof,” Lavi concludes, suddenly calm.

Allen opens his mouth to argue but he decides not to, since, well, he doesn’t actually know if telling Lavi will help the situation at all.

“I guess you’re right,” he accedes. “The prick liking someone?” he fakes a sarcastic laugh, half coughing to himself. “Joke of the century. Anyway, you should apologise to Kanda. He looked really angry earlier.”

“I’ll do it tomorrow,” Lavi says, and at Allen’s incredulous look, he shakes his head. “No, seriously, even if I beg and grovel at the door, he’s just going to ignore me now. I’ve been his best bud for years, I know his moods.”

“Okay,” Allen shrugs. “More importantly, can I borrow a shirt? And tell Kanda I’m sending him the bill for the dry cleaner’s.”

* * *

_7._

In the next few weeks, Kanda “unintentionally” ignores Lavi and Allen, and this gets them increasingly worried to the point whereby Lenalee gets involved. Of course, Kanda doesn’t realise it until Lenalee is holding his hand and looking at him like she wants to hug him. The fact that they’re in public (at the campus café) wouldn’t stop her either.

But maybe it’s really his fault that it comes down to this moment wherein he’s seriously contemplating on using Lenalee’s fork or his teaspoon to gouge out his liver.

When he had stormed back to his room that night he had paced around trying wondering why he was feeling so fucking annoyed for no goddamn reason. Lavi flirts—he flirts _all the damn time,_ Kanda’s known this ever since the he met the redhead and was mistaken for a girl because _Lavi was trying to flirt with him._ It’s not the first time Lavi has made touchy moves on Allen either, but this time it seriously looked like the redhead was going in for the kill, and maybe, he wanted it to be _him_ instead of—

Kanda swallows, kills that line of thought, and paces around some more.

But the image keeps coming back no matter how much he stops the idea from growing repeatedly—Lavi would kiss him, Lavi _should_ kiss him, fuck, he would definitely kiss Lavi, even if the thought is half gross and half oddly appealing; Kanda doesn’t understand why anyone would enjoy something so unhygienic but he can’t deny that the thought actually really turns him on.

Fuck it, so what if he wants to kiss Lavi, it’s the same as the sexual attraction thing he has had for the redhead for the past fucking year—years. But somehow this time feels _different_ , because he’s so irritated and annoyed and he wants to punch the wall but refrains because he knows the broken hand after that is not worth it (it’s self-experience), because he’s just so _angry_ at the thought of Lavi wanting to kiss _Allen_ …and not him.

He simmers down about this over the night and when Lavi comes in like a kicked puppy the next day to apologise, he gives a clipped ‘whatever’ and goes about his daily life. Allen also says something to him the day after that when they meet by chance in the cafeteria, but he also responds with an uninterested grunt. In Kanda’s defense, he’s stressed about an upcoming deadline and he’s not a very pleasant person to start with so he thinks it shouldn’t really matter, until his phone started to flood with texts from the two asking him if everything is truly forgiven.

Everything is _fine_ , Lavi made a stupid joke, why wouldn’t he be fine, but he can’t get rid of this clenching feeling in his chest and he doesn’t feel like replying any of those stupid texts. So he doesn’t.

Lenalee manages to make him sit and drink tea with her at some point after this, and opens their conversation with, “Kanda, you have to talk to him.”

Kanda stops in mid sip and places his cup down, lips curling into an aggravated scowl. “For fuck’s sake, I _don’t_ like the fucking idiot, why the fuck do I have to talk to him?”

Lenalee stares at his outburst. “…I was talking about Allen. I’m not sure who you are talking about.”

Kanda pauses. “…Who?”

“You jerk,” Lenalee rolls her eyes. “Allen’s really worried about you, you know. He said you’re still mad about Lavi trying to kiss him though you won’t admit it—“

“I’m not mad about that fucking stupid joke,” he mutters darkly.

Lenalee watches him in silence for a long minute until she speaks. “Okay. Do you like Lavi?”

“ _No_ ,” he insists vehemently. “I already said I don’t like the fucking asshole!”

“Kanda,” Lenalee says patiently and reaches for his hand. “Kanda,” she repeats softly. “It’s okay.”

Kanda stares at the smaller hand resting on his fingers that are gripped tight around the porcelain cup—any tighter that he’s holding it, he’s going to snap the handle into two.

Kanda may not be the top in his cohort but he’s decent with his projects, so he’s not actually, you know, fucking stupid. But grades are relative to a person’s intelligence—I mean, look at Lavi. But he’s digressing, because he’s not stupid, he’s not oblivious, and even if he hadn’t ever liked someone before, it’s getting inevitable to realise that he _does_ like the stupid redhead in more ways than he’s ever comfortable to admitting. He’s _jealous_ , alright, that Lavi wanted to kiss someone else and not him, and it was _fucking_ _painful_ to watch that. Jealousy isn’t covered by sexual attraction—he knows that much; this more than just lustful feelings toward his best friend.

It’s _emotional_ feelings. Ugh.

Goddammit.

The fork or the teaspoon? Which will override this humiliation better?

“…Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone,” he breathes out, staring at the table.

Lenalee looks at him plainly. “Tell Lavi.”

“No.”

“He won’t laugh at you, I promise!”

“No.”

“Kanda—“

“What’s the fucking point?” he interjects. “It won’t…work out,” he mutters, feeling extensively foolish.

“How do you know that?” Lenalee demands. “You haven’t even tried anything!”

“He’s not interested.”

“How do you know that?” Lenalee repeats.

Because the damn idiot is _asexual_. Kanda wants to strangle himself.

“Leave it alone, Lenalee,” he says quietly with more bitterness than he intends to, and Lenalee sighs.

* * *

_8._

Kanda believes that realising that he likes someone is just about the worst thing he’s ever experienced in his life and he’s lived with Daisya and Tiedoll for like, _years_. When he returns back to his apartment Lavi ambushes him with a glomp and doesn’t let go until Kanda is forced to agree that he will stop ignoring the redhead and _will you just stop suffocating me you dumb dipshit?_ He storms to his room right after and wants to kill himself from how inevitably flushed he’s feeling with the knowledge of Lavi’s arms around him just seconds ago—fuck, fuck, fuck, he’s not some simpering kid with a crush, but unfortunately, he kind of _is_.

He manages to cover any embarrassment with anger when Lavi touches him too suggestively to be platonic—on the shoulder, on the waist, on the ass—but Lavi’s _always_ been doing that to him, and it’s always been so fucking platonic because the damn fucking asshole is fucking asexual. There’s no point chasing after someone who won’t like him back, so he’s insistent on just letting these stupid feelings die (it has to, right, at some point), even if Lenalee brings it up from time to time attempting to change his mind.

But months pass and it’s getting closer to his last few months as a college student and his stomach still does the flip flop thing when Lavi stands too close to him, except now it’s a million times stronger and sometimes he finds that it gets hard to breathe looking at someone that he wants and knows he can’t get. He ignores the glances Allen sends him when Lavi announces he’s going out for a date for the night so please take care of Yuu—he’s _not_ bitter that Lavi still goes on these stupid ass dates like he’s actually _capable_ of dating people.

It’s just, it’s very _frustrating_ to have Lavi live across him and he can’t do anything about it but muffle his moans into his pillow when he’s finding release. It sucks so bad to have his mind immediately have Lavi in his imagination when he’s furiously stroking himself, thinking about Lavi whispering dirty words into his ear which the redhead _has_ said them at some point because the idiot flirts too goddamn much, thinking about Lavi touching him, teasing him, bringing him to the brink of orgasm only to ruin the mood with something direly stupid—because _Lavi would do that_ and he has to bite down on his lip so hard that he tastes blood.

Though, it still doesn’t stop him from _wanting_ it and coming all over his hand anyway.

* * *

_9._

As the final term bleeds into its last quarter, Kanda gets increasingly stressed about his multiple deadlines for his major projects. He’s not a slacker so he has done most of the work, but he’s a perfectionist by heart. That is the reason why he’s in the kitchen eating with one hand and the other furiously navigating the wireless mouse to the laptop on the dinner table trying to decide if 69% or 70% opacity is better.

Lavi—the actual slacker—announces his arrival home by slumping into the empty chair across him and sighs dejectedly. “Got stood up. Again.”

Kanda barely graces him with an acknowledgment glance. He has no interest in giving attention to stupid idiots who top the cohort without hard work and still go out dating during crunch time, unlike him.

“69% is better,” Lavi says, looking over at Kanda’s laptop. “Got any leftovers for me?”

“No.”

But Kanda does—not that he purposely cooks Lavi’s share, it’s actually his portion for the next day. Lavi rummages to the fridge despite his answer and heats up the bowl when he finds it. Kanda can’t be bothered to argue over a stupid bowl when he’s got a project to finish; it’s not that he’s being nice to Lavi okay, he’s _not_. As Lavi waits for the microwave to do its thing, he starts telling the story of how he was looking forward to having dinner with this hot girl he met at the library but she cancelled last minute because she and the rest of the university students _are rushing to meet deadlines_ , unlike the redhead. Kanda isn’t interested in hearing the story in the least, and he cuts Lavi off when he’s unable to concentrate to decide if the layer he was working on should be at multiply or overlay.

“Why the hell are you going out for anyway? You’re wasting your fucking time,” he grinds out.

“Because it’s fun to get to know people?” Lavi answers blankly. “When you see someone and you think something good can happen between you and that someone—“

Kanda tears his eyes away from his screen, because he just doesn’t fucking understand. “But you’re asexual!”

“So?” Lavi raises an eyebrow. “I think I’m more qualified about these things than you are, no?”

This makes Kanda pause, feeling offended. “…What’s that supposed to mean?”

Lavi coughs, skeptical tone obvious in his voice. “You? _Liking_ someone? Please.”

“I _do_ like someone,” Kanda mutters lowly, rolling his eyes. “Fucking asshole.”

And then he realises he shouldn’t have said that.

There is a slate of silence until the microwave chimes and still Lavi makes no move to open it. “…Really?” the redhead gapes, eye wide.

“No,” Kanda says immediately and diverts his attention back to his laptop screen, but Lavi has known him for far too long.

“You like someone,” Lavi echoes, as if in awe. “You actually….wow. _Wow_. Who is it? Do I know her? Or him?” he presses, body leaning forward in excitement. “It’s Allen, isn’t it?”

“Over my fucking dead body.”

“Yuu!” he whines. “I’m your best friend! You’re supposed to tell me these kinds of things! I didn’t believe Allen when he said you liked someone but holy fucking shit—“

Kanda nearly trips out of his chair. “The fucking beansprout did _what_?”

“That was like, in the beginning of the year when you got really mad I was going to kiss him but anyway, you like someone! _You_. Yuu. Yuu!”

“Fuck,” Kanda mutters into his hand. “Fuck, will you drop it? Goddammit, _so fucking what_?” he snaps viciously, hoping that his anger can override the inevitable blush that’s rising up his neck.

“Have you told them?”

“He’s not interested,” Kanda says on reflex, and promptly wants to kill himself.

“Oh ho,” Lavi smirks. “He?”

“So what?” he bites out again harshly.

The redhead grins brightly, snapping his fingers. “It has to be Allen!”

The fucking _idiot_. “Why the fuck are you so fixated on the fucking beansprout?!”

“Because!” Lavi is just answering in loud voices because they’re basically yelling at each other in agitation at this point. “You don’t talk to anyone besides me, Lenalee or Allen, so it _has_ to be Allen!”

“How the fuck is that your conclusion?!”

“Well,” Lavi lifts up one finger, dead serious. “It’s clearly not Lenalee, unless…” he trails off contemplatively, and Kanda abruptly goes cold when he realises where this is going. “…Me?”

He could’ve said yes. But. _But_. But this is too fast and too soon and too sudden and Kanda isn’t prepared for how empty his stomach feels or how painful his chest is constricting or how fucking humiliating it is to like someone asexual who will never like him back.

“…In your fucking dreams,” he forces himself to say, voice barely trembling from how tight he tries to control it.

Lavi huffs. “Then who is it?”

“Keep bugging, loser,” Kanda mutters, slamming his laptop shut and taking it with him out of the kitchen.

* * *

_10._

Lavi doesn’t stop bugging him about it, but Kanda’s careful about letting his words slip and the main key is just to ignore him, which Kanda is good at. He knows Lavi has tried to drill it out of Lenalee and Allen but he’s somewhat thankful that he’s got friends who respect his choices—bless them, but only a little bit because they also try to hint not so subtly that he’s doing this whole liking someone thing wrong. Kanda doesn’t know if it’s supposed to feel this awful but he gets used to it, and before he knows it, final exams roll around and then it’s time for _graduation_.

His foster family is nothing but gleeful to attend his graduation, and Kanda makes sure he’s seated in between Lavi and Marie in the audience—Marie is great, because the huge bulk of the other shields him from Daisya’s  annoying face and Tiedoll’s sobbing.

“It’s your last chance to confess to your super secret crush,” Lavi whispers to him as they half listen to the speech going on at the podium, decked in black graduation robes like the rest of their year.

“Shut up,” Kanda replies reasonably.

“I’m serious, Yuu,” Lavi continues. “What if he’s “ _the one”_ and because of your cowardice, you never see him again? You’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life!”

“Shut the fuck up,” Kanda repeats, refraining from the urge to rub his temples.

“Come on, Yuu—“

“Shut your mouth, idiot,” comes the clipped command from Lavi’s uncle, Bookman, who is seated on Lavi’s left.

Lavi pouts, but he notices that other people around are giving him disapproving glares and he quietens down. Kanda vehemently forces himself to look straight ahead and not glance at the other, but whatever words that the speaker is saying just float by.

It is probably the last time he might see Lavi before they go their separate ways. Over the last few months lots of mail from different grad schools come in for Lavi. He’s sure Lavi has chosen somewhere to go—sometimes the redhead blabbers between the perks of one scholarship he’s gotten and another, but it’s hard to listen to all this and he ends up not listening, so he doesn’t know for sure what the other’s final plans are. It doesn’t matter anyway, because he’s pretty sure he’s staying and getting a decent but otherwise unimportant job—the key is just to move out from his foster father’s house.

He tells himself it doesn’t matter, but as the program drags on and students are called to the stage to receive their certs, the reality of it sinks in deeper. He’s not going to see Lavi again, not like how they were for the past many years. Lavi’s _leaving_. He hates how cold and horrible he feels on his graduation day—he should be elated that he doesn’t have to suffer stupid class anymore—but when Lavi is up on stage smiling bashfully as he gets handed a bouquet of flowers for topping his cohort, Kanda thinks the redhead’s smile is like the sunflowers in his arms, bright and beautiful, and he tears his eyes away, swallowing thickly.

Maybe he should’ve said ‘yes’ the other time. Maybe he should’ve said yes and made Lavi guilty as fuck for making him like the idiot when he can’t have him—it’s only fair that the redhead should suffer this too.

But it’s too late, all too late, and he can only breathe in deep, and move on.

* * *

_10 + 1._

“Congratulations, prick.”

Kanda looks up and snorts. He’s sitting on a beach under a large tree at the corner of campus to hide away from Tiedoll and his camera, and Lavi is somewhere out there chatting with other students—he’s antisocial, yeah, yeah, he knows it. He likes the relative peace and quiet anyway, until a certain beansprout showed up. Allen is grinning, holding out a can of ice cold green tea. Kanda looks at it suspiciously, but he does take it because he’s actually thirsty.

“Don’t you have something better to do than to ruin my shitty day?” he asks, knocking back a sip.

Allen rolls his eyes and shoves himself down next to him. “Ruining your day is always my top priority,” he mutters, leaning back. “Why are you sitting alone here anyway? Lenalee’s been looking for you for the past half hour.”

Kanda makes a non-committal noise—Lenalee would find him eventually, he doesn’t doubt that, but he’s not going to get up from this comfortable position. “Because I want to, dumbass.”

Allen gives him a look and he glances over when the younger doesn’t say anything and it starts to get creepy.

“What?” he snaps defensively.

Allen’s gaze flickers around for a couple of seconds before he settles on saying something Kanda is so _sick_ of hearing. “You should say something to Lavi.”

Kanda stubbornly refuses to respond and drinks another mouthful of his tea, which suddenly tastes immensely bitter.

“Kanda, why won’t you even try?” Allen asks softly, genuine concern painted in his eyes, and Kanda really, _really_ hates that.

“Because like I’ve fucking said for the last fucking number of fucking times,” Kanda hisses out slowly, temper flaring. “ _He is not fucking interested_ , do you fucking get that?”

Instead of being intimidated, Allen just stares back thoughtfully. “Did he really say that?”

Kanda gives a terrible sigh and crushes the stupid can in his hand, never mind that he’s only half done with it. “He’s asexual.”

“So?”

“ _So_ ,” he grinds out, frustrated, the bitterness back on his tongue. “He doesn’t want anyone. Or me.”

Allen is falls quiet and Kanda thinks that _finally_ someone else gets it, but the younger opens his mouth and says, “He still can like you back.”

There is something that Kanda is clearly missing here, but even within the confusion and frustration, he’s distracted by how Allen abruptly shifts his gaze in a manner that’s too unnatural to not have something behind him.

Or _someone_.

“Kanda—“ Allen begins, tone ghastly apologetic, but he doesn’t have it in him to hear anything.

Anger and humiliation seeps into his bones as he stands up and walks off, never looking back once. He vaguely hears Lenalee shout his name but he’s not going to stop walking—it’s an odd mix of cold and hot running through his veins, fury mixing with bitter betrayal of his stupid fucking friends who don’t respect his stupid fucking choices. He’s going back to his room to punch his fucking wall, fuck the broken hand after.

“Yuu!”

“YUU!”

He ignores that Lavi is basically screaming his name across the courtyard and continues walking, because if he stops—if he stops…he doesn’t know what to do.

“YUU!”

Lavi’s voice sounds even nearer now and Kanda thinks that maybe he should make a run for it, but the moment that he intends to, a hand wraps around his arm tightly. Fuck.

“Yuu,” Lavi says again, and has Kanda ever mentioned that he really hates how Lavi says his first name, all careful and delicate-like? “Yuu, look at me,” the redhead tugs his grip, but Kanda is steadfast stubborn is refusing to do so.

Can’t a guy just wallow in self-depreciation in peace? Is that too much to fucking ask?

“Yuu, please,” Lavi whispers softly, gently turning him around by the shoulder.

Kanda shuts his eyes and prepares himself from the inevitable pity speech he’s going to receive—but his eyes slam wide open when two arms slide around his waist and pull him in, and a mouth is pressed hard against his lips. He stands stone still for a couple of seconds before his brain registers what is happening; Lavi is _kissing_ him, and he freezes even more when the hold around his body tightens further to pull him flush against the other. Warm lips start moving against his, and a wet tongue licks him gently before prodding to move into his mouth—Kanda jerks back stunned when their tongues brush, heat burning in his face.

Wait. What the fuck is happening?

His voice is lost for about a minute as Lavi moves his hands to hold him even closer, the feel of warm palms on his back shooting tingly sensations up his spine. Lavi smiles and makes move to lean forward again, but this time Kanda cranes his body backwards hastily.

“I-Is this a fucking joke to you?” he snaps out, trying to ignore the red on his face. “Why the fuck did you kiss me?”

Lavi furrows his eyebrows. “Why can’t I kiss you?”

“Because you’re not interested in that sort of thing?” Kanda demands, incredulous.

Lavi’s frown gets deeper. “I guess I’m _okay_ about kissing but I admit I like cuddling a lot more,” he answers with a bit of thought, and Kanda stares back in angry confusion. “Why didn’t you just _tell_ me, Yuu?”

“And say what?” Kanda seethes. “That I fucking like you but you won’t ever want me?”

Lavi blinks, and then blinks again before his expression relaxes into something more amused. “Yuu,” he begins. “I may be asexual, but I’m panromantic.” At Kanda’s silence, he continues. “I thought you were aromantic until you said you liked someone, so maybe demiromantic, but then you said it wasn’t me or Lenalee or Allen—“

“I’m pansexual. Or something,” Kanda interrupts, because that’s basically the only thing he’s clear with at this point. “Fuck. What the fuck is panro-whatever shit or—“

“It’s the same thing with sexuality, except it’s about romantic attraction,” Lavi explains. “So while I don’t want to fuck anyone, I’m still capable of _liking_ people. And. And,” he swallows, voice slightly hesitant. “I…I _liked_ you when I first met you,” he mumbles. “But you never seemed interested.”

Wait, what? So was all that flirting actually _real_? Kanda feels an onset of a headache coming. Fuck, this sexuality or attraction thing is just a pain in the fucking ass. So the dates that Lavi were going out on were actually legit dates. So Lavi _can_ like him back. So he had been led by a stupid misconception for the last fucking year pining pathetically over some fucking idiot like a fucking retard—fuck this shit.

Lavi looks at him expectantly in silence waiting for a response.

“…I hate this shit,” he states eventually, not wanting to say anything more.

The redhead laughs. “Let’s just figure it out, okay? If you’re on board with dating me, that is.”

“Fine,” Kanda grumbles, like it costs him his soul or something.

Lavi grins brightly, arms squeezing him as the redhead hugs him tightly, nuzzling his neck. Kanda flames up when he abruptly realises they’re in the middle of the courtyard and that _everyone is fucking staring at them_ —Lenalee and Allen are grinning, Marie is smiling, Daisya is holding the camera because Tiedoll is too busy bawling his eyes out, Bookman is rolling his eyes and there are still dozens of other students around watching their spectacle with interest. He tries to shake Lavi off him but it’s to no avail; Lavi fucking _cuddles_ him, and when their hips are pressed together, Kanda realises that he’s sporting a semi.

Fuck his life.

(Or not.)

* * *

_10 + 1 + 1._

Kanda gets a job as a teaching assistant at college. He’s good with the technical stuff like the workings of photoshop but not so much the creative ideas which makes sense with what he’s settled with even if he hates helping people despite his job description; he, however, does relish that he can make Allen’s third year very difficult just for his own amusement. Also, the bonus is that he has an excuse to rent a studio near campus so he can still live away from home.

Lavi, on the other hand, accepts a scholarship for grad school that’s about a couple of hours away by train. So despite the fact that they’re dating for real, they don’t see each other much except on weekends that Lavi can afford to come back, or during school breaks.

They do talk over the phone (Lavi blabbers, Kanda leaves it on speaker phone and does his own things while he occasionally makes insulting remarks) and such but the stress of the lack of physical contact shows when Lavi comes back on his first long break. The redhead may not be interested in sexual contact, but he is definitely intensely touch starved.

Somehow within the hour that Lavi first appears at Kanda’s door, they’re now in Kanda’s room sitting on Kanda’s bed kissing heatedly. Or rather, Lavi is teaching Kanda to kiss, because ironically enough the asexual has kissed enough to know what he’s doing while the pansexual hasn’t. The feeling of someone else’s tongue in his mouth is still kind of weird to Kanda, but despite how grossly disgusting to swap saliva, Kanda can’t deny that he actually really likes it, especially when Lavi shifts in his lap and presses his mouth against his harder with a pleased hum. The hot curl of Lavi’s tongue playing with his own naturally leads to blood rushing down south but it’s a dull buzz at the back of his mind, until suddenly a palm cups over his crotch.

“Hey,” Lavi whispers as he pulls back a little. “Want me to get you off?”

Kanda stares, though his dick does harden at the words. “…Do you even know how to do that?”

Lavi rolls his eye. “I’ve jacked off before, though it was rather anticlimactic. Anyway, yeah, I know what to do.”

And as if to prove his point, the hand on his crotch rubs in tantalising circles, creating delicious friction that Kanda isn’t prepared for.

“But you—“

“The internet,” Lavi elaborates, steadily continuing his ministrations. “There’s porn and hentai out there, no? I just don’t jack off to it like you do.”

“I don’t—“ But he doesn’t want to admit that he’s had Lavi as his jerk off material for more than a year. “What the hell did you watch it for then?”

“I dunno,” Lavi shrugs. “For fun? I was curious? Anyway, it’s totally coming in handy now.”

It actually _is_ , because Kanda is highly aware of how tight the confines of his pants are now and he’s breathing heavily, feeling more flushed than he has in a while. He bites back a groan when Lavi kisses him again with the hand palming him with more pressure now, and doesn’t complain when Lavi makes move to unbutton his pants.

It feels like there is something seriously warped that Lavi is touching him in the ways he’s always imagined but believed was never possible—especially when Lavi slips off his lap to step down to the floor to kneel between his knees. The redhead tugs on his pants and boxers at the same time to release his hardened cock, tip slightly wet from pre-come. Kanda fumbles for a grip on his sheets to keep himself steady, unsure at the way Lavi is staring at his dick so intently.

Then Lavi flickers his gaze up.

“Seems like most people would like this,” he says shrugging, before he leans forward and takes Kanda into in his mouth.

Kanda jerks—the sudden image of Lavi between his thighs and the feel of a hot and wet mouth _sucking_ him causes his fingers to scramble. “W-wait—“

But Lavi doesn’t hear him, hands firm on his hips. Lavi’s tongue swirls on the underside of his cock and over and around it and plays with the slit.

“L-lavi— _ahh_ ,“ he gasps, voice wavering. “Fuck—f-fuck—don’t—n- _nghhhh_ ,” he nearly chokes in a mid gasp.

Fuck, Kanda’s brain scrambles to certify if this is real or not, but the sensation is just too intense and he feels like he’s ready to come within less than a minute. He’s griping his sheets so hard that it’s messed up over the bed, biting his mouth to muffle the sounds that are burning up in his throat. Lavi works his mouth further down to take more of him in and he can’t help but let out a shaky desperate moan that’s embarrassingly loud.

“ _Hahhh—nghhh_ — _!_ ”

He’s going to come, he’s so going to come—except, Lavi pulls back abruptly with an obscene pop.

Lavi looks up at him curiously, lips red. “Holy shit, Yuu, I think even I might be a tiny bit turned on by that.”

Well, Kanda is _beyond_ horny with this, the fucking asshole. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed with his pants down and cock wet and hard. His face burns red.

“Are you going to get me off or not?” he hisses impatiently.

Lavi chuckles. “Okay, okay,” he placates, but he stands up and straddles Kanda’s lap again. “My jaw hurts now though. Let me try something else.”

Kanda would actually very much like Lavi to continue the blowjob but he doesn’t get to say anything when Lavi buries his face into the crook of his neck and kisses it gently. Lavi nips and presses his lips down his throat quickly but fleetingly, leaving his skin tingly and sensitive. He leans back intending to protest, but that dies when Lavi’s hand wraps around his dick. Lavi strokes him slowly, once, twice, as he continues to pepper those kisses.

In the pleasurable haze Kanda clutches the back of Lavi’s shirt, and yanks on it when Lavi suddenly parts his mouth and sucks on the skin below his jawline. It feels _good_ , warm, and his breathing gets jarred and heavy again as Lavi increases his stroking pace on his cock. Lavi breathes out hotly near his ear and licks his earlobe, tongue running teasingly up the curve of his outer ear and back down again before speaking.

“Close your eyes, Yuu.”

Of course Kanda is suspicious, but Lavi presses on.

“Close your eyes,” he repeats, breath hot. “Come on.”

Lavi lets out a pleased hum when he obliges reluctantly. With only darkness in his vision, the feel of Lavi nuzzling against his neck and the friction on his erection gets more intense.

“You’re beautiful like this, Yuu,” Lavi whispers roughly directly into his ear, tone low. “Hard…wet and dripping…for me…” he trails off, kissing Kanda’s throat again when Kanda makes a muffled groan. “You belong to me, Yuu,” he says, voice guttural, and Kanda’s cock twitches, leaking more pre-come.

“Only me,” Lavi murmurs, husky.

Kanda breathes heavier, eyes screwed shut and focused on Lavi’s voice, hips bucking into the hand working his release.

“So come for me.”

Kanda nearly tears Lavi’s shirt when he comes, body trembling, but Lavi wraps his other arm around the back of his waist and holds him tight. Lavi’s fingers thumbs the head of his cock while he’s orgasming and that makes it even more intense, forcing a dry gasp from his throat. He’s still trying to catch his breath when he slumps in the redhead’s hold, with the other rubbing his hand in circles on his back.

“Was that okay?” Lavi asks after a few moments. “Too little? Too much?”

Kanda swallows and takes a good long breathe in. “…Whatever,” he mutters, tired.

Lavi shuffles closer to coax him to lie down, wrapping his arms around his frame. The redhead really loves cuddling and spooning and Kanda can’t be bothered to care at this point if he’s the little spoon, mind still hazy from the orgasm.

Lavi plants a gentle kiss on the back of his shoulder, and smiles.


End file.
